Yesterday, my roommate moved into his new place. It probably comes as no surprise to you by now, that it was a stretch for me to offer to help him, seeing as I was SO busy reading a book. But somehow I forced the words out of my mouth, twice! The first time, he did the polite, "oh no, you don't need to help" and clearly when he did need help, I quickly shoved the words out of my mouth again, before I could logically think my way out of it. This time, he conceded and allowed me to help. It didn't take long, as he only needed help with his box spring and mattress. Not to mention the use of my huge muscles to lift them on top of his car. (I'm not quite sure how much I actually assisted, but I did exert effort, because this had to count as my giving for the day). I also gave five dollars to a touring band. (I may have to start saying that after I tell really boring stories (which rarely happens).
Today, I can't lie. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I am tired of giving. Tired of trying to think of ways to give. Then I feel ridiculous for thinking about how tired of giving I am? Doesn't make any sense. Am I more selfish than I realized?
I log on to Facebook. Someone has mentioned a need for a ride later this week. They had plenty of offers, but people, oh sweet good intentioned people, rarely follow through. I logged out of Facebook without offering to help because one, this person is ALWAYS asking for help, and two, it seemed as though it was covered. But...wait for it...I log back in, eager to do my "good deed" for the day, which, I decided, was to make myself available. Then... I start thinking. And apparently thinking, shows the intention of my heart, to not be very pure at this stage. I didn't want to help this person because I think that they overuse the kindness of others, without giving back. But since when is it my place to judge their actions or their course of action? At least they asked for help! Rather than as some, complaining that no one will help them, when no one even knows of their need!
This whole giving thing...I don't know about it, challenging me on my character? On my motives? On my selfish judgmental ways? Rude. It's hard work and I already lifted a mattress this week.