tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66069317404841456702024-03-08T06:44:37.914-08:00I give what I havepickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-6486831125661494642014-06-03T13:24:00.000-07:002014-06-03T17:29:10.021-07:00Little birds landed on my shoulders and sang to me. I fed the neighbor cat, Art, for six days, and to give myself a little breather from being such a giving goddess, I counted that as my daily giving all six days. It was awesome. I needed to have my angel wings dry cleaned anyway.<br />
I can't say that it has been entirely my fault that I haven't "focused" on giving for almost two weeks now, the dry cleaners lost my wings, the universe came into perfect alignment and no one needed my help, and then the dog ate my computer. However, it's all behind me now.<br />
I once again have roommates, which will I'm sure, provide many an opportunity to give when I don't feel like it. Today I washed a knife that wasn't mine and then little birds landed on my shoulders and sang to me.<br />
<br />
<br />
Lesson: cats need to be fed daily.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-26466570766591603952014-05-11T09:11:00.001-07:002014-05-11T11:58:01.408-07:00Hold on to your guilt until you have thoroughly enjoyed it.<div class="MsoNormal">
Friday night I hosted my parents in my home. This was a
first and I was quite nervous about it. Things are pretty calm presently, but
the conversations about why I don’t love Jesus and how I could walk away from
“what I know is true”, have left me a little less open to their presence. Why I
would quit a job that I hate to travel and pursue a life I love makes no sense to
them either, and they do not hide their disapproval. And so, I thought that I
was the one being accommodating and generous with my time, by taking them in
for an evening.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There were no
conversations about Jesus (praise the Lord). There were however, conversations
about my career, but ….just maybe they don’t know how to relate to me, so this
is the only thing they know to ask? I wasn’t as open or kind as I could have
been, and growing up in the church, I have no lack of a guilt complex, for not
being better about this.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We attended a family
gathering Saturday morning and then we parted ways. I came home to a rather
stressful financial circumstance and was ready to numb the anxiety with a
little whiskey, when my parents randomly showed back up at my doorstep. They had read the wish list I have on my
refrigerator, had gone and purchased a cast iron skillet, which was on my list,
and were delivering it to me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I couldn’t stop
myself from crying. I couldn’t stop myself from turning back into the helpless
child who just needed someone to take care of me. Even at thirty eight, and
despite the frequent tension between us, I let my mom hold me while I cried,
and it felt good. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Strange that today is
mother’s day and for the first time in a really long time, I have an overwhelming
sense of gratitude for my mother. How she could still love me, when I show her
very little love or affection, blows my mind. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Always giving, always loving, always
encouraging, despite the lack of those things in her own life. I guess I wasn't really the one giving after all.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Enough sap, here’s a little recap of giving this week: Ever heard of Flat Stanley? My niece sent Flat Ella to my house, who
joined me in gardening, composting, cooking, job interviewing, yoga-ing and
band practice. Considering my niece is eight and I have never given her anything
(how horrible am I) can I count that for multiple days of giving? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a side note my brother never should have
allowed his daughter to send me flat Ella, because it was all I could do to not
cut out a flat baby, say she got knocked up, and send it back to a classroom
full of eight year olds. I also volunteered at the beer tent for a charity food
truck event. Proceeds go to help my favorite food pantry and I got to drink 8% craft beer for free, not that that had anything to do with which area I chose to volunteer in. I gave to my one of my favorite podcasts. Skipped yoga to spend time with the
parentals. Let a friend pick out a pair of sunglasses she wanted and use my
store credit. Smiled at several people (which was balanced out by silently
yelling at people in traffic) so that I could leave the world in equilibrium rather than too
cheery because of my great smile. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn’t give anything Tuesday which I still feel guilty about, which I may be able to let go of in a year or so, but I would hate to not thoroughly enjoy my guilt. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Lesson: Hold on to your guilt until you have thoroughly
enjoyed it.<o:p></o:p></div>
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-6733754587523761382014-05-01T13:18:00.001-07:002014-05-01T13:18:20.997-07:00A long story does not always lead to a burger.I'm not a complete sucker and I'm not completely heartless either, although I do have my moments. I was standing in the street (like any reasonable human being does), waiting for someone, when a man asks "is this ---, KS"? I immediately put up my guard because who says something like that? He got here somehow and it probably wasn't knocked out in the back of someone's trunk. I would bet that he had some say in the city he stopped in, to randomly ask, if he was in that city, that he chose. (Am I being rude?) So yes, I reply, you are in that city. He obviously thought that I took the bait, hook line and sinker, as he dove into the rest of his story. I'm from so and so, someone took my such and such, I need so and such, I can't get such and such, because I don't have so and so, and I am just trying to get enough money for a burger. (That's a long story for a burger). I took the hook out of my mouth, that he had tried to catch me with, and mentioned that he could get everything he needed at a specific agency, which was only a few blocks from where we were. No, he says, they are closed, I was just there. Now, I have volunteered many a time with this agency, and am pretty familiar with their hours. Today being no holiday, I was pretty sure they were open. I offered to call. Okay, he says, but I just came from there and they're closed. While I'm calling, I'm thinking, if they really are closed, I have no problem taking this man to get a meal, it interrupts my plans of rushing home to do nothing, but I'll manage. The man gets impatient while I am listening to all the phone options of which extension to dial. He starts to say he's just going to keep moving, and I'll admit, I give him an ever so slight amount of attitude and tell him that I am still listening for the right extension. Sure enough, they are open, and yes, they are serving lunch. The man gives me some fake enthusiasm (I shouldn't say that, maybe he had gone to the wrong building before, so he is flooded relief that they really are open..), I then mention that they can help him with all the such and such(es) and so and so(es) that he needs.<br />
At some point in talking to this man, my guilt kicked in, of not doing anything for him, which makes not sense, as clearly I was willing to hear his story, and help him in whatever way I could. Why not just give him money? or take him out for a meal? Can't I just realize that it is enough to point the man in the direction of resources, that have already been set up to help him? Why do I still feel guilty? and how can I feel guilt and pride at the same time? Pride that I didn't fall for his shenanigans, guilt for even thinking they were shenanigans, pride for helping someone who needed help, and guilt for not doing more. My brain hurts. I'm definitely counting that as my giving for the day. The end.<br />
<br />
Lesson: A long story does not always lead to a burger.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-19133780977259932942014-04-27T08:26:00.002-07:002014-04-27T08:26:23.164-07:00It's overwhelming how many people were touched by my generosity this week.<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s hard to write when I feel like I have given nothing
spectacular this week. There were no big moments where the world stopped, and
tears of gratitude flowed from someone’s eyes, for everything that I had done
for them. I really thought that there would be more moments like this when I
decided to give daily, but …I apparently I am no superhero. I am only doing
what I should’ve been doing without having to think about it. But…some of us
are a little more challenged.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So let’s see, here
are the non-tear producing, unspectacular acts of the week: Monday, I offered
to share my bananas. (They were organic, does that count as more?) Tuesday I
was at the hardware store and offered to take a cart in for a gentleman.
(Gentleman is relative, I’m not sure if he really was one or not, as he did not
offer to take me to dinner for taking in his cart). On Wednesday, I half
volunteered, half guilted myself into taking a less beneficial shift at work,
so that a co-worker didn’t have to. (She also bribed me with twenty dollars, so
I’m not quite sure that I can count this, but I am.) Thursday I gave to a traveling
band and offered my nice hardwood floors for them to sleep on (They opted for
actual beds). I also gave cherry juice to Santa Claus next door for his
arthritis. Friday I again offered my home to travelers who were passing through
(they did not show up). And Saturday I gave a bottle of champagne to the hosts
of a party (and then drank their wine). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s overwhelming how
many people were touched by my generosity this week. (sarcasm) I guess I have
to remember that just making myself available to others is what matters. It’s
not about money, or giving “things” really, it is about being willing to ‘give
what I have’ without question or hesitation.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lesson: Santa Claus has arthritis.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-24447045066433797022014-04-20T12:42:00.002-07:002014-04-20T12:42:57.789-07:00I am whatever kind of person that kind of person is.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday I spent a
few hours standing outside a natural grocery store collecting items for one of
the local food pantries, called Just Food. I did this about a month ago as
well, at a large chain grocery store. I remember thinking how awesome it would
be if we could collect food at the natural grocer, and how generous people
would be, right? You can guess where this is going. For two hours I had to fake
a smile to some of the rudest, most arrogant people in this town, which is
quite unfortunate. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do hate to
generalize, but I will anyway. Shopping at the natural grocer is quite
expensive. I get that you can’t judge a person by what they have, what they
wear or what they drive, because it is quite possible that none of those things
are paid for, and that their debt has overgrown their lives like moss. But…I
still find it curious that the individuals with (to the eye) have the most
money, are less willing to help than those with (seemingly) less money. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get it though. At
this point in my life, I’m probably just above the poverty line. I’m not
complaining, I have everything I need and quite enjoy my life, but there have
been times when my savings account started to increase, and that, is when I
found it harder to give.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The less I
have, the less concerned I am with maintaining my bank account, and the more willing
I am to give what I have.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was given a barrel
to collect items in at the grocer yesterday. It was not clearly marked and
looked very much like a trash can. One man, not paying any attention to me,
walked by and threw his soda in the barrel. I wasn’t mean about it, but I did
let him know the barrel was not a trashcan. I picked up the soda and threw it
away. A little while later, he came out of the store with a jar of peanut
butter and commented that he “could” put that in there. Old people gave,
children gave, but it’s always the people I judge, that surprise me the most,
and give. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This morning I got
the most wonderful email regarding the craigslist ad I had posted a couple
weeks ago (see previous blog):<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Wondering how your
project is going? I don’t need help, but am interested in what you’re doing.
I’m originally from Kansas and am moving back there this summer. I’m young and
in pretty good shape, own a truck, and I’m self employed so I have nothing but
time on my hands – I don’t know what your situation is or who you even are, but
if you’re still doing this when I get there I’m more than willing to join up
with anything that might seem easier with a second person”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not going to
lie, it would be way easier to give this up and just give when something
crosses my path, and as I’ve said before, I am so sick of giving. I am so
embarrassed to even write that. What kind of person gets “sick of giving”?
Apparently I am whatever kind of person that kind of person is, but that email
gave me a little boost and I appreciated it. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I don’t write about every situation as it would be extremely
boring and time consuming, but I do want to share examples of giving, as this
is a daily intention. I feel guilty that I even “count” some of these, but
maybe giving doesn’t have to be as hard as I am making it? So this week I:
wrote a couple letters, shared some cheese, cooked dinner and extended an open
invitation for anyone to join (though no one did), shared a fan, took a grocery
cart in for the cutest little old lady, complimented others and offered my
empty egg cartons to a person I don’t like who is getting chickens. Did I
really have to throw in the I don’t like part?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If the intent is to give what I have, then I only have to give what I
have, even if it is “just” a compliment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week I: wasn’t
so good about practicing patience on the road, there were too many unqualified
to be on the road, drivers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Lesson: I am whatever kind of person that kind of person is.<o:p></o:p></div>
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-19153699538718181702014-04-14T16:27:00.000-07:002014-04-14T16:27:00.740-07:00If you see me on the road, and I cut you off, it is probably just someone who looks like me.<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is it that I can leave the house with all good
intentions, thankful to have been given another day, asking myself how I can give today? and
five minutes later I have been mean to someone on more than one occasion?! I can’t believe
myself sometimes. I’m rude to a truck driver, who apparently did not think I
had the right away, and then rude to a woman at Just Food! Just Food! A
wonderful food pantry that provides the most amazing farmer’s market veggies
and other items to low income families. Just Food, the place where I was on
my way to volunteer today! How embarrassing! I realize that some people may not
even take notice of my subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) rudeness, but I, am
fully aware. I replay it over and again in my mind, instead of just letting it
go and saying I’ll do better next time. There is no changing it. I can apologize
if I see that woman again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is, if I
happen to, in some miraculous instance, actually remember what she looks like,
as I can’t even remember when a boyfriend has a beard or shaves it off? Today
though, thankfully, Just Food was closed. That way, it was just the woman,
myself, and my rudeness, who were present. So much for my mantra, “I am kind to
everyone I meet”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found it a little
too simple to write about the other day, but now, I am sure it is worth
mentioning: Giving patience. Perhaps some people give patience without even thinking
about it. For me, on the other hand, it requires constant work. What you would think of as simple challenges, but aren't for me: when I am walking
through a store, and come to that awkward crossroads, you know, when someone
has to let the other person walk in front or go first, or push that gigantic cart with only one item in front of you, or when you both get to the check out
at the same time, or when they only have one item, but you’re in a really big hurry
too? Or maybe it's when I'm driving down the street and there clearly aren’t as
competent drivers as myself on the road, and I have to let someone in front of me? Let me tell you, I have been practicing patience in these things over the weekend, some scenarios better than others, and it is like someone is hitting me on the head with a hammer, and laughing, because I am in agony over a stupid grocery cart going ahead of me. I tend to be so self centered that I always think I have the right away, and that I was there first and should be allowed to go and I have been waiting the longest, but this cannot be the case. Maybe I am so blinded by my me bubble that it requires a hammer, rather than a simple pin, to burst it. So, I will say with confidence, that I find that practicing patience daily, is definitely giving. Let the other person go
first. I give what I have, and what I have, is the ability to not make you
grumpy, by allowing you the space you need. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lesson of the day: If you see me on the road, and I cut you
off, it is probably just someone who looks like me.<o:p></o:p></div>
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pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-79140161081677418392014-04-12T18:35:00.002-07:002014-04-12T18:35:44.353-07:00Offering two fives for a ten can save someone a trip to the emergency room.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This week I dropped
of the items to the woman who had responded to the craigslist ad. It was hard
not to judge the meth teeth, but eh, what does it matter really? I don’t care
if you do meth, it’s none of my business. I drink whiskey. Her teeth rot, mine
turn brown. At least I can use a whitener. <o:p></o:p></div>
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I didn’t stick around too long to chat it up with this girl,
though she was very nice, she definitely had the milk-it vibe. I will
sympathize with you, I’ll give you what I can, but if you’re trying to milk-it,
I don’t want any part of it. So, I say success. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On another day, I was at the store, and the
cashier mentioned she was low on five- dollar bills. I offered to give her two fives
for a ten. Doesn’t really sound like much and I ignored the thought at first,
it wasn’t my problem? Right? Just go to the bank already, but….”I give what I
have”. Maybe the cashier gets so stressed out at the thought of not having
enough fives in her drawer, that she then breaks into hives, which then
requires a trip to the emergency room? I just saved this innocent little
cashier a trip to the emergency room trip. A job well done. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Today, I saw a man with a gas can and a sign, on the side of
the road, by Home Depot. I don’t trust the type, but you got to hand it to a
person, that whatever the circumstances be, it takes a bit of ego crushing to
stand on a corner with a sign. I believe some people really need help and
others, well…the truth will find you out in the end, but it is not my
responsibility to judge circumstances, which I will say, I very much did so
today. So I left. I went to the post office to drop off a driver’s license that
I had found the other day. I fully intended to count this as my giving for the
day. Does the post office still mail driver’s licenses’ back to people if you
just drop them in? I have no idea. I don’t care really, I’m sure this person,
from several states away, had since replaced it, but I was not going to pass up
an easy out for giving today. But it never works that way. I kept thinking
about that guy on the corner with the gas can. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what do I do? I continue on my way to
finish running my errands. Why is it always money I think I should give, and
not money per se in this circumstance, but something that would definitely cost
me financially? I don’t have a steady income. How am I supposed to keep giving
money to other people when my circumstances are uncertain? I finished my errands,
and what do you know, I start driving back towards Home Depot hoping that this
guy was gone so that I didn’t have to fill up that can. Isn’t that horrible.
Why am I acting like this? Why am I so concerned about me? I pull into the
parking lot and was relieved when at first I couldn’t see the guy. Then…there
he was, and…there someone else was, handing him back a full gas can. Then…there
I was, feeling bad that I didn’t act when I first had the inkling. Gas can man
started to walk away and I called to him, handed him ten dollars and drove
away. If he couldn’t afford to fill it up the first time, maybe he couldn’t
afford dinner either, or maybe ten dollars relieves just an itsy bitsy teeny
bit of stress, and he can breathe for a second. It’s not much, but it was a lot
to me, and more than likely, a lot for him. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Lesson: Offering two fives for a ten can save someone a trip
to the emergency room.<o:p></o:p></div>
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-4190412369858423252014-04-07T20:10:00.000-07:002014-04-07T20:10:22.101-07:00suitcase full of peanutsIn response to the Facebook post, my friend Adam, gave a whole suitcase of clothes and shoes for the man (including the suitcase) mentioned in the previous post. Adam didn't ask for the back story, though it came out of my mouth anyway, that these clothes would go to a man soon to be released from jail. Was that necessary? Is it irrelevant? Is it even true? I also say that the only clothes he will come out with are the clothes he went in with, that makes it sound more dramatic. I haven't opened the suitcase. I suppose I may never, it's really none of my business, it is a gift from Adam. It's possible it's just full of peanuts anyway.<br />
I drive home from picking up the suitcase full of secret goodies, and I see a younger girl, twenty two maybe, with two large bags, who has just seated herself on the ground, in the middle of the sidewalk. I turn onto my street, roll my window down, and ask if she needs anything, or if she is just resting there. She says yes, I do need something, I was just about to call a cab. I offer a ride. She accepts. We make awkward small talk. She apologizes for having me drive ten whole minutes to drop her off somewhere. I have no place I need to be, I reply. I drop her off. I drive to a parking lot to watch the sunset and cry.<br />
Cry because being able to offer what I have is awesome. Cry because I have nothing to go home to and why do I have to be so lonely. Cry because I am so lucky to be able to give. Cry because I wonder what my parents would think of me if they knew how wonderful I was.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-91939854371776942002014-04-07T11:00:00.002-07:002014-04-07T11:00:44.984-07:00It takes a lot for me to call my friends. I went from lonely, sad and feeling sorry for myself to completely fulfilled and ecstatic in one minute. Of course the excitement is fleeting, but that one moment where you get that high, is amazing.<br />
I got home from mailing a letter, intended to be my "giving" of the day, opened my email, and there it was. It was the first response to my craigslist post. A woman wrote that she needed a free place to eat lunch. She also needed mens clothing for someone who will soon be getting out of jail. She left her phone number and asked that I call.<br />
I actually contemplated not calling and only responding by email. It takes a lot for me to call my friends, let alone, a complete stranger who is now relying on me. But, I picked up the phone and called her. Relief came when there was no answer and I could just leave a voicemail. I then sent an email with the information I had and asked for pant and shoe sizes. Then....my phone rang. I wasn't off the hook after all. She was the nicest lady and you know, it was kind of nice to talk to someone. We even laughed.<br />
While I didn't catch her in time to direct her to a free lunch, as she was just passing through town, it still made me feel alive at the thought of helping someone. Plus! I got a dose of human interaction! For a minute, I wasn't alone anymore. I got the pant and shoe sizes and posted the need on Facebook. I figure we're all in this together, not everyone has money or time to give, but! we can give what we have!pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-80316739775235803052014-04-06T16:54:00.004-07:002014-04-06T16:54:54.571-07:00Too lazy to make cookies for Santa.Let's see two days ago, what did I give? I think I offered to help Santa Claus clean his house. I met Santa a few months ago when he was outside on the sidewalk, just waving at cars as they passed by. He's hilarious. I'd say early to mid 70's, funny as hell, and if you meet him, he will probably tell you of his traumatic brain injury. He volunteers his time during the holiday season to raise money for charity, by dressing as Santa. He did happen to fall some time ago, I think about 60 feet downward, but don't ask me how, my memory is bad. He still gets around, but a little bit slower and less agile than before. So, he needs someone to help around the north pole a little bit. I can't say that I was disappointed that he let off the hook easy this time, as he wanted to wait a few days before I cleaned. I still counted it. I had made myself available.<br />
The next day, I offered to drive two of my drunk friends home. I'm not sure I can count that. But I am. and let's see, yesterday...I'm not sure I accomplished anything at all. I'm not perfect.<br />
Today, however, I have been reading and re-reading the craigslist wanted ads and I also reading yahoo's freecycle, to see if there was anything that I had, that I could give away. I have this exercise ball, that two people actually are requesting on freecycle, but I am not yet ready to part with it. I looked at the craigslist volunteer section, tried to think of an old person to visit (but all my favorites are dead), and checked my facebook wall to see if anyone had posted a need for help, nothing. I did see the person I offered to help the other day, complaining about not having help or something, and I may have snarled. They are denying me of my right to help and making me work to come up with some other idea, and I sure as heck am not offering again. That's how sweet I am.<br />
So that being said, I came up with the genius idea to post an ad on craigslist, under services offered. Even though I have yet to help someone, I am counting that as my deed for the day, because I think there is an importance of just making yourself available, and as I was too lazy to make cookies for Santa.<br />
Here is the post:<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;"> "Do you have trouble asking for help? I am doing a project where I try to help someone out every single day! I am not looking to get paid. If I can assist you I will. Please keep it clean. No task too simple, I don't have big muscles or a truck, but willing to help however I can. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Thanks so much!"</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222;">Let's hope for less creepers and lots of cute little old people to help (as I am sure they are all browsing Craigslist). Cheers!</span><br />
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-43626885364352656192014-04-03T15:01:00.000-07:002014-04-03T15:01:23.256-07:00Everyone must be thinking how wonderful I am.I hate to share feelings unnecessarily, but maybe I should open up a little bit more about one of the greater reasons why I started this project: loneliness. I am so lonely I can hardly stand it. For the time being, I've moved past my desire for a significant other, and am solely focusing on the need for friendship. I've moved around so much in my life that I have no "core" group of friends. I go through phases of really making an effort to invite people places and/or forcing myself to participate in social gatherings, in an attempt to create this circle of friends. Then somewhere along the way, I get discouraged, or busy, or...self-centered. I find that when I'm lonely, I tend to only see my needs, which in turn, isolates me even more, because I can't see past myself. Make sense? It's a horrible cycle. And I don't have the solution. It's a fight to stay positive, but I know that turning my gaze inward will not lead me anywhere good. Thus, this project. I figure, if I can turn my attention outward, towards others, and their needs, and not on myself, that surely, a change will come. I also forget that this is a process.<br />
Yesterday's giving came relatively fluently. I was at the gym walking on the treadmill. I was honestly fighting back tears, feeling sorry for myself. Had no one else been in the room, I for sure would have been a waterfall of emotion. A hispanic older woman came in the room to use the exercise bike. She couldn't figure out how to get the seat moved back and had moved to another bike, trying to figure that one out as well. I got off the treadmill, asked her where she wanted the seat set at, fixed it, and got back on my treadmill. I felt a little guilty because I'm not sure I even so much as smiled at the woman. Then of course, my mind crept into the arrogant place of assuming that everyone else in the room must of thought how wonderful I was. I'm sure they were all thinking how great it was that I just jumped off my treadmill to help someone in need, without even a second thought about it. and maybe next time they would do the same for someone else? but for now, it would just be a story they tell their friends all about, about this nice lady at the gym. Yes...I went there. Hopefully, as this project continues, these presumptuous thoughts will subside, but for today, I cannot say that I did much better.<br />
I texted my bandmates this morning to see what time we were having band practice tonight. One responds that he has been vomiting all morning and would not be making it. I wished him well, continued my day, and then wondered how I could help someone today. I'm a slight bit ashamed that it took me so long to offer HIM assistance. I finally realized I should see if he needed anything. No no, he says, I live so far out of town, don't want to trouble you. One thing I am thankful for, is that I do have the time right now to give. I was able to drive to his house, deliver gatorade and sprite, and then stop and look at the beautiful scenery on the way home. I felt the arrogance slipping back in, and started to think about how great I was for helping him in such a way. This pride then turned into self-pity and then sadness. My mind went in a downward spiral and it was a fight to stay away from focusing on my needs. Aren't you supposed to be able to just ride the giving high for the rest of the day?<br />
I don't have any material needs. I don't have everything that I want, but as soon as you get what you think you want, you just want something else anyway. If I could buy a friend or two to spend time with, that is an investment I would make. Then I wonder if I am making it all up in my head. Do I have people to spend time with that I am overlooking? Is it just part of feeling sorry for myself that I can't see them? Am I the problem?<br />
So while I would rather hide my emotions and not share this part of the experiment/project, as my ego doesn't much appreciate it, I think it is really important that you see the whole picture. I am doing this as much for me, or even more so, than I am for others.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-72958191505581074822014-04-01T18:39:00.000-07:002014-04-01T18:39:20.320-07:00I can't help that my muscles are so big. Yesterday, my roommate moved into his new place. It probably comes as no surprise to you by now, that it was a stretch for me to offer to help him, seeing as I was SO busy reading a book. But somehow I forced the words out of my mouth, twice! The first time, he did the polite, "oh no, you don't need to help" and clearly when he did need help, I quickly shoved the words out of my mouth again, before I could logically think my way out of it. This time, he conceded and allowed me to help. It didn't take long, as he only needed help with his box spring and mattress. Not to mention the use of my huge muscles to lift them on top of his car. (I'm not quite sure how much I actually assisted, but I did exert effort, because this had to count as my giving for the day). I also gave five dollars to a touring band. (I may have to start saying that after I tell really boring stories (which rarely happens).<br />
Today, I can't lie. I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I am tired of giving. Tired of trying to think of ways to give. Then I feel ridiculous for thinking about how tired of giving I am? Doesn't make any sense. Am I more selfish than I realized?<br />
I log on to Facebook. Someone has mentioned a need for a ride later this week. They had plenty of offers, but people, oh sweet good intentioned people, rarely follow through. I logged out of Facebook without offering to help because one, this person is ALWAYS asking for help, and two, it seemed as though it was covered. But...wait for it...I log back in, eager to do my "good deed" for the day, which, I decided, was to make myself available. Then... I start thinking. And apparently thinking, shows the intention of my heart, to not be very pure at this stage. I didn't want to help this person because I think that they overuse the kindness of others, without giving back. But since when is it my place to judge their actions or their course of action? At least they asked for help! Rather than as some, complaining that no one will help them, when no one even knows of their need!<br />
This whole giving thing...I don't know about it, challenging me on my character? On my motives? On my selfish judgmental ways? Rude. It's hard work and I already lifted a mattress this week.<br />
<br />pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-58379603046853170462014-03-30T11:03:00.001-07:002014-03-30T11:03:38.431-07:00I'd slap somebody's momma for a cup of coffee. It's amazing how you don't want something until someone else wants it. It never fails. Last April in preparation for quitting my job to travel the country and letting go of my apartment (and any sense of security), I threw a come take my stuff party and I'm going to have to say, it was so fun. Over time, I/we all accumulate this...stuff. Stuff we don't need, don't use, don't want. We move it from place to place, knowing that eventually we'll use it, you know how it is, this is not a new revelation. So I set up a "store" in my living room, as you will, and invited people to come over and shop. I kept hearing, "you're getting rid of this?", "are you sure", yes yes I would say, just take it. There was one item, however, that I had put in the store that someone wanted, but they would be picking it up later. Almost a year later, I still have this item, the individual still wants it, and it is their birthday. Having no real attachment to this item, it had been my plan all along to get it into their hands. The day comes for the birthday party and I absolutely do not want to part with it. Where is this coming from? I tell myself that I had grown attached to having it on my porch and seeing it daily, but had I really? Did I all of a sudden feel attachment to it because someone else wanted it? because I had placed it in the give-away pile more than once. Reluctantly, I give the item away, in part because of this year of giving, in part because they want it, and in part because my actions have made it clear that I don't really want it, and definitely don't need it. After all, I give what I have right? This person couldn't have been more ecstatic. They were SO happy, which in turn, makes me happy. I'm sure you must be wondering what item could cause so much grief? Well, I will tell you, a stupid little plastic Dracula doll. Yep, you read it right.<br />
This morning, I woke up, checked Facebook, per the usual. I don't really read much, and usually only look at my own wall, because I find my own life so entertaining, but today, one post caught my eye. An individual around my own age, who has been in and out of the hospital for several years, was once again confined inside the hospital walls. Her Facebook post and I quote, says "I'd slap somebody's momma for a cup of coffee". Well, it wasn't so much that I needed my momma slapped as it was that I would die if I was trapped inside the hospital without access to an iced Americano every day. Now I can't say that I've ever called this person or even thought about hanging out with her. What I can say is that I have judged her (in the past), wrongfully so, as we often do when we don't know someone or when they do things that we don't understand. But today honestly had nothing to do with that. It simply had to do with one coffee lover to another. I took her a coffee, helped her outside and we sat in the sun and chatted. I allowed myself to hear her. I mean hear her. You know, when you remove all pre-conceived ideas, all judgements, all personal thoughts, all the you should's and the you should've's? And she, has had one heck of a year, or two or three. She was Code Blue (essentially dead, if you are unfamiliar with that term) for 30 minutes last summer, after a miss dosing of medication. They were getting ready to stop efforts in reviving her when she came to. And here she sits today. Incredible.<br />
<br />
Lesson: You don't have to slap my momma to get a cup of coffee.<br />
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-10775264731051916122014-03-28T19:18:00.003-07:002014-03-28T19:19:41.420-07:00there goes the old lady who picks up trash cans Ever tried to give something away every day for a year and run out of ideas on day...seven? Yesterday the only thing I could think to give was picking up a wind blown trash can out of the street and placing it back on the curb. But on a windy day, as it were, am I supposed to pick them ALL up? "There goes the old lady who picks up trash cans" they will say when I'm eighty. Somehow, it doesn't seem enough.<br />
Today was even worse. I woke up asking myself, what can I give today? and am going to bed wondering what I gave? Albeit small, almost to the point where I could not count it, yet significant enough I feel I should share, today, I gave the gift of taking off my headphones (earbuds, whatever you want to call them) while walking home.<br />
Now, I know if I do this, then other people do to, for there is nothing new under the sun. Sometimes, I will wear my headphones while walking, without anything playing in them, it is an 'I am not available to be bothered' silent statement. For if I don't want to be approached, I don't want you to ask me anything and I most certainly don't want to have an actual conversation with you, then my headphones stay on. Today! however, my generous gift to the world was taking off my headphones and placing them out of sight. Now, I am not really so arrogant as to believe that this was a gift to the world, however, I do believe that it was me saying, I am available if you need me. So while I may not have given anything concrete per se, as I did not come across anyone in dire need of my wisdom, I did give what I had, a willingness to listen.<br />
<br />
Lesson: a windy day blows over many trash cans.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-82477946567223507932014-03-26T11:56:00.001-07:002014-03-26T11:56:48.258-07:00You don't want your roommate to get a little rash on his fingers. Every night about 5PM I start to get really excited about my morning trip to the coffee shop. It apparently doesn't take much. So I woke up this morning with the over used brilliant plan to "pay" for someone else's coffee today. I say "pay" but really mean to give away my free drink card. I'm not sure if that counts as giving? I think if it costs me nothing and requires no sacrifice on my own part, is it still considered giving? It has to be right? I could reason that somewhere down the line (10 coffees to be exact) it would save me two dollars and sixty-five cents, but who's counting?<br />
I arrive at the coffee shop, order my own coffee, and for some reason struggle to pay for someone else's latte. That's weird? So between the door and the counter I arrogantly decided that it would be far superior to buy a latte for someone and not use the free card, thus actually giving something. I pay for the latte and and ask the barista to give a latte to the next person who orders one. I question if I am being rude in assuming that she should assist me with my giving? It's my project, not hers, what if she doesn't give a pickenanny? But I don't ask her and lay the responsibility on her. I feel neither excited or as if I have done anything out of the ordinary, but I am happy to have my coffee.<br />
I found myself thinking that I had done my deed and now I could get on with my day. I don't need to think about giving anymore until tomorrow, because today was covered. Then...I thought some more...trouble I tell you. If I am trying to cultivate a "lifestyle" of giving, then I am not off the hook for the rest of the day, just because I gave something. ugh. I had felt so free for a moment. I began wondering how I could give again today.<br />
I went about my day, got home, got my mail, and noticed my roommates mail piling up in the mailbox. I left it there, because if he doesn't want his mail, then I don't care either. And then I thought again, a small act of bringing in his mail would be giving right? I will say however, that I put my nose up and highly didn't think it my responsibility, but fine, I did it. I brought the mail in and threw it on the table. Then.. as if to pour a whole gallon of salt on my arrogantly sliced open wound of pride, I noticed his dishes.<br />
Strange how willing I am to help people that I am not close to, but.. if I happen to know your secrets, how you handle your time and money, and of course all the ways you could improve your choices, it is so much harder to give. Why is this? If I care so much for the people I am closest to, yet am so unwilling to give what I don't believe to be my responsibility, what am I? Who am I? That is a pretty ugly characteristic.<br />
So although not my responsibility, (I like how I continue to clarify this point), I can give today by washing his dishes. Maybe he can't stand to wash dishes? or the soap gives his little fingers a rash? or maybe he just doesn't have time. I have the time. It doesn't cost me anything, and if anything it will chip away at some of my pride.<br />
<br />
Lesson: You don't want your roommate to get a rash on his little fingers.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-88491550141008510602014-03-25T18:20:00.002-07:002014-03-25T18:20:31.346-07:00Breastfeeding is gross, but good for the baby. Warning: many run on sentences, and I am okay with that.<br />
Do I fail today if I can't find a way to give? Who can't find a way to give in an entire day? Did I even try hard enough? Was I looking in all the wrong places? Should I force myself to give five dollars to a fund that I am not excited about, simply to adhere to my give every day goal? Giving can't be all about money. Would I be giving just to give? Will it pay off in the end and begin to cultivate the lifestyle that I am looking for, or will they just be random empty acts? <br />
Today, unsure of what to give or who to give to, I posted an update on Facebook that went something like this: "Does anyone need help today? I've got a lil extra time on my hands to give if you do!" I excitedly waited for all the thousands of people who needed me to pour in their requests. I fought with myself about how people might view a post like that. Were they wondering if I would expect payment? Did they think I was doing it to try and look good? I'm sure there were some who turned their noses or thought ill, but please, who cares. All I can say is that the intent of my heart was right. People can think what they want.<br />
So I sat and waited. Nothing. There was the person who did question what I was doing and call me a goodern? the person who called me an angel, the one who asked if this included babysitting, but didn't really need a babysitter. The one who asked if I had experience with custom picture framing? Sadly, no. Another, jokingly asking if I clean house?<br />
I'm actually quite sad that an opportunity didn't easily announce itself. A shining light that led me toward it. At first I didn't like the comments on Facebook that painted me in an altruistic light, I don't need to be seen as an angel or patted on the back for "good" behavior. But then I started watching how many likes the post got, and then I wondered why there weren't more? and then I started questioning my motives all over again. This whole thinking thing really gets in the way sometimes.<br />
I think breastfeeding is gross, but, it seems a perfect analogy for how I am feeling today. I have this milk that is being produced (desire to give), but the baby won't eat (no obvious outlet for giving), and thus it causes pain to the mother (i'm heartbroken that i wanted to help someone and feel I didn't find a way), so the mother must either stop producing and wait for the milk to go away, or try an alternate option like pumping (i can stop trying, or I can find a different outlet for giving today). That may or may not be a good analogy. I could erase it, but eh, I'll leave it.<br />
So I'm left to contemplate what if anything I gave today. I gave several smiles. I shared stories today that inspired some and brought smiles to others. I gave gratitude. I gave to the environment I suppose, by walking instead of driving at least once, and by pulling my roommates milk carton out of the trash to recycle. (does that even count?) I wonder to myself aloud, what are the parameters for this year of intentional giving? I am sure they are destined to change and grow and shape themselves and me.<br />
<br />
Lesson: breastfeeding is gross but good for the baby.<br />
<br />
pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6606931740484145670.post-5633911939799243132014-03-24T16:19:00.002-07:002014-03-24T20:02:28.087-07:00Last year was about me. This year is about others.<br />
Last year was all about me. I quit my job May 1, 2013, in pursuit of living life to the fullest every single day. I had, and still have this quote specifically positioned in my home, "you have been given another day". I am constantly reminded how fleeting life is and how amazing it is to be given another day!<br />
So for 2013, I traveled to my hearts content. I booked a west coast tour for my band. I saw friends and family all over the country. I met tons of new friends who opened their homes and everything they had to me. I saw and did just about everything I could have possibly hoped for! and it was fantastic!<br />
Arriving back home has been a bit of a culture shock. The desire to pick up and go again is so great, yet the need for community and friendship seems to be a greater pull, and so I stay. My 38th birthday was four days ago and I contemplate, what is the meaning of all this? Who hasn't said that, right? It's all dust in the wind, or something like that.<br />
I find myself alone. Though I have many friends, I spend time with few. My two closest friends I feel myself pushing away. So I join yoga. I read books. I contemplate. I sit alone. I change my lifestyle. Decrease my drinking (isolating myself even more). I increase exercise and healthy eating. Drink more water. Start a compost. Dream of a garden (but do nothing about it). I sit at my computer. I look for jobs, yet I don't want any of them. I think think think think. I can't stop thinking.<br />
So what am I doing with my life?<br />
At some point prior to my travels last year I began a mantra that I really did not want to adhere to, "I give what I have to those in need". Meaning, I may not feel as though I have much monetarily to give, but, what I do have, I give. Sounds simple enough? I can't say I followed through with it much, but it crossed my mind frequently. As it does now.<br />
If last year was all about me, why shouldn't this year be all about others? If I have everything that I need (and I suppose even if I don't) why not give what I have to those in need. You're getting the point. I want my life, the way I envision living it to it's fullest, to be a life of intentional giving. Not in an arrogant way that is paraded around, but in a simple, every day giving of what I have.<br />
I wonder if I can intentionally give, DAILY. Intentionally. Daily. ( I repeat for dramatic effect and to make a point).<br />
So I begin. I share, one, so that I am reminded to seek out giving, two, to inspire a giving lifestyle in others, and three, because it has nothing at all to do with giving, and all about accepting, loving and meeting everyone where they are and joining together as one.<br />
<br />
I will backtrack later, but I will tell you about a rather easy giving feat for today because I am tired of sitting here typing. About a month ago, a friend's sister's husband died unexpectedly. A fund was started for the widow and her three small children. I thought to myself, I should give twenty dollars. I never got around to it. I've thought about it several times. They reached their small goal of five thousand dollars and then much more, yet the thought continued to linger way back in the darkest corner of my mind. Well, it poked it's little head out one more time today. I'll do it later, I thought, because donating now would mean that I would have to go all the way outside to my car, grab my coin purse, walk all the way back inside, and then donate. Sounds ridiculous that I contemplated putting it off to another day, right? So here I am at the very least a month later, credit card in hand and donation made! No one has to know but me and I, if nothing else, have cleared space up in that dark corner of my mind for visions of sugarplums or something.<br />
<br />
Lesson: Follow the little inclinations to give.pickledpipeshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14255496405229679827noreply@blogger.com0